Only once in 8 years

Hi! I’m so grateful I found this website so quickly. I’ve been reading several posts here, but I really want to share my experience because I’m feeling so stressed out. 😢

I (33F) have been with my partner for 8 years (36M). We’re not married, and we actually broke up 2 years ago because I was working too much and not paying enough attention to the relationship. That was completely true — I have a very stressful job — so he emotionally detached and broke up with me abruptly. After we reconciled a month later, I made real changes and everything seemed okay, except I never fully trusted that he wouldn’t just leave like that again. I didn’t want to tell anyone we were back together until I felt sure — but I ended up letting too much time pass.

Because of this, when we were about to tell our families about us at Christmas, we hit a crisis point again just before doing it. He emotionally detached again in January, we split up, and he moved in with a friend. I asked him to go to couples therapy, and in February he also started individual therapy, as recommended by our couples therapist. We worked on things until April when he completely detached again and we broke up.

In June, he came back with a list of things he wanted to change about himself — things he’d worked through in therapy — and he said he wanted me back in his life. I was much more cautious this time and told him I needed to see real changes before making any decisions, because this on-and-off cycle is not for me. He agreed he’d have to maintain the improvements and really work on his issues.

Everything seemed fine until two days ago, when he confessed that he’d had an affair with a coworker (specifically, a university intern). She showed interest in him, and they started talking in mid-March without him telling her he was in a relationship. They hung out once, then a second time when the affair actually happened at his friend’s house. He says he felt bad about it, so he met her one more time but nothing happened (he says he started detaching from her), and then the fourth time he broke it off completely (again, he says nothing happened that last time). Now he wants to tell me because he wants to come clean and "start over with honesty," but honestly, I don’t know who he is anymore.

He’s been apologizing constantly, offering to quit his job (even though she’s not there anymore) and even saying he’d move in with me if I return to my hometown (I moved for him 4 years ago, but he was unhappy living there). But I just don’t know…

His friends tend to cheat a lot and are very promiscuous, so they downplay things and make me feel uncomfortable, but he validates my feelings and says that’s not how he wants to live either (though I don’t understand how he did this then). He made a conscious choice, even if he thought we were going to break up. He says he loves me and that he dissociated because he needed validation, but the same thing happened with his ex — he wanted an excuse to end that on-and-off relationship too. He clearly has a pattern, even if this is the only time it’s happened with me. He genuinely seems to want to be a better person: he goes to therapy twice a week and is putting in the work, as he’s a fearful avoidant with some narcissistic traits when it comes to seeking validation — but he’s never hurt me or invalidated me in any other way. Still, even though a part of me still loves him, he’s always enjoyed getting attention from other women and he never really stopped it (even if it was meaningless, it made me feel jealous). But an affair? I would never have imagined…

I don’t know what to do… I love him so much, but the social judgment that comes with forgiving an infidelity is so hard to handle

6 comments posted: Wednesday, July 16th, 2025